1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. 2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. 5. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. 6. Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. 7. Men wake up as good-looking as they did when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does. 9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage & after. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The World According To Men How many men does it take to open a beer? - None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch. How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? - She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." How do you fix a woman's watch? - You don't. There's a clock on the oven! Why do men pass gas more than women? - Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're gonna want to shoot it. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? - The dog of course ..... at least he'll shut up after you let him in. All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? - A woman that won't do what she's told. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Why did the woman cross the road ? - The answer isn't important here. What is important is why wasn't she at home in the kitchen ? I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. - I don't like to interrupt her. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? - Divorced. Bigamy is having one wife too many. - Some say monogamy is the same. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's drive by 99%. - Wedding cake. Marriage is a 3 ring circus: - Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. - Since then, neither God nor man has rested. My wife and I are inseparable. - In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog. Why do men die before their wives? - Because they want to. What is the difference between a dog and a fox? - About 5 drinks. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at Him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." Do you know the punishment for bigamy? - Two mother-in-laws. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. Why do women have smaller feet than men? - So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited about the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife, teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." She does and this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100..... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!" said the cop. "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Off you go," said the officer. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him,"hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?" The first guy answers, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was behind the counter. So, instead of saying I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said, "I'd like a ticket to Tittsburgh. She socked me one." The other guy answers, "Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties. But I accidentally said: You ruined my life you F***ing Bitch." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top Ten Men! 1. The Doctor because he says,"Take off your clothes" 2. The Dentist because he says,"Open Wide" 3. The hairdresser because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown" 4. The Milkman because he says,"Do you want it in front or in back?" 5. The Interior Decorator because he says,"Once you have it all in, you'll love it." 6. The Banker because he says,"If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest" 7. The Police Officer because he says,"Spread 'em" 8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package. 9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down. 10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. Bring beer ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why are Women like linoleum? - Because if a man lays her right he can walk all over her for the next 30 years. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- What a woman says: "This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!" What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A. Both of them. Q. Why did the man cross the road? A. He heard the chicken was a slut. Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay? A. They don't have time. Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer. Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A. We don't know; it has never happened. Q.What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on!" She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants, she said." "That's right," said the husband, "And don't YOU forget it. I'm the Man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried and tried but found he could only get the panties on as far as his kneecaps. Frustrated, "I can't get into these panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------