It seems there was an old pirate living in the Black Flag Pirate Retirement Community who was being interviewed by the new, young house doctor. The old pirate was your typical pirate, peg leg, hook for a hand and a patch over one eye. The young doctor was trying to get his medical history. "Well," says the pirate; "We was bombarding this Spanish fort when this cannonball hits me ship and blasts off me leg." "And the hand?" asks the doctor. The pirate says, "I tell you sonny, we had boarded this fine ship and there was fighting going on all around." "This mate I was battling was pretty good and he made a lucky swipe with his sword and took me hand clean off." "OK," said the doctor; "How about your eye?" "Well," said the pirate; "I was standing on the deck one day when a seagull flew down and pooped in me eye." "Wait a minute," said the young doctor. "Do you expect me to believe that you lost your eye because some bird pooped in it?" "Well," said the old pirate; "It was the first day I got me new hook!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three fellows were shipwrecked on a tiny island. No food, no water, no shade - just sand and more sand. One fellow was Mexican, the second one was an Indian and the third one was from You-Know-where. The Indian was walking along the beach when he spotted a bottle floating. He waded out and got the bottle. When back on the beach he uncapped the bottle and a genie came out, The genie said, "I've been in that bottle for a hundred years. I appreciate you freeing me. So I will grant each of you one wish." So saying, he disappeared. The Mexican said, "I wish I was in Mexico City," And poof! He disappeared. The Indian said, "I wish I was in Calcutta." And poof! He disappeared. Now things were happening too fast for You-Know-Where. He really didn't know what was going on. He started walking up and down the beach. Finally he said, "Gee, it sure is lonesome around here! I wish my buddies were back." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A homeless guy is laying in a alley drunk and passed out when two gays walk by and notice the man and decide to screw him. Well when they got done they left him five dollars on his chest and left. The homeless guy wakes up in the morning and finds the money and goes straight to the beer store and tells the guy at the cash register that he wants the cheapest thing he can buy and then left. He got drunk and passed out in same alley as the night before and the two gays come by and do it to him again and leave five dollars again. After two nights in a row, the third night the drunk falls again in the same alley and passes out. But this time the gays decide he's a pretty good sport, so they leave a hundred dollars on his chest. In the morning the drunk discovers the hundred and goes back to the same beer store and tells the clerk "gimme the most expensive thing you got, that cheap stuff is tearing my ass up" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ These two guys are on their way to the airport, when the one guy has to go shit. The other guy says "ok, I'll pull over and you can go in the bushes". The guy gets out and goes and takes a shit, but he tells the other guy that he can't wipe because there isn't any toilet paper. The other guy asks him if he has a dollar, and he says yeah, he tells him to use the dollar cuz it ain't worth much. The guy uses the dollar and gets back in the car but he gets back in with shit all over him. The driver kicks him out saying "get the hell outta my car man". "I thought you had a dollar to wipe with". "I did wipe with a dollar". "Then why do you got shit all over you"? "Because man, it's hard to wipe with 3 quarters 2 dimes and a nickel! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice. The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event. Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas. The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Bally's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Bally's. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. The ball goes round and round. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 18 .. And as the dealer collects his chips , the voiice says " Shit".... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer but there is no price listed on them. He asks a salesman who says, "Five dollars for both of them." "Yeah right, you've got to be shitting me!" the man says. "No, that's the price," the salesman says, "Do you want to buy them or not?" "Yeah, I'll take them," the man says. The man continues to look around and he sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asks. "Five dollars for the system, including installation" the sales guy says. "Is it stolen?" the guy asks incredulously. "No," says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?" "Sure," the guy says. He looks around some more. Next he finds a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?" he asks. "Five dollars," the salesman says. "I'll take that too!" the man says. As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, "Why are your prices so cheap?" The salesman says, "Well, the owner of this store is at my house right now with my wife, and what he's doing to her,... ....I'm doing to his business!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Little Johnny wrote on the blackboard: "Johnny is a passionate little devil." The teacher reprimanded him severely and told him to stay after school for an hour. When Johnny got out,all his little friends were waiting to hear what punishment he had received. "What did she do to you?" asked one little boy. Little Johnny answered, "Well, I ain't a sayin', but it pays to advertise." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It seems this guy had been experimenting with an unusual method of seeking autoerotic gratification; namely, inserting a live fish into his butt. What he hadn't counted on was the fish's scales acting, in effect, like one of those sets of driveway spikes that allow you to drive over them one way but puncture your tires if you try to go the other way. In his pain and panic, he dialed 9-1-1. The EMT arrived, surveyed the situation, and said, "Son, you gotta learn to chew your food better." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said, "Hello, and welcome." She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. "Wait a minute," she said. "I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands." He smiled. "Ah, you must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me, please." Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path which went through the gates and down a bit to the left. They walked for a short while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward. Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant fields and forests of her desired Summerlands. She saw people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly as she expected. While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan happened to glance over to one side and saw a small group of people a short way away from the edge of the Summerlands. The people in the group were watching the revelers, but not joining them. Instead, they were screaming and weeping piteously. The Pagan looked at St. Peter. "Who are those people?" St. Peter replied, "Them? They're fundamentalists. They're a bit surprised to see you all there, so they stand there and carry on like that all day." "Why? Don't they have better things to do?" Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. "They don't really have a choice. They're actually in Hell. God doesn't like being told what He thinks." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my buddy Doug. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the most bizarre dream the night before last. Doug listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only. So I told him that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number "5." It made of gold and sparkled with diamonds. Doug's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the fifth race. Doug raised an eyebrow. So I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth race was named "The Fifth Element." Doug started grinning. Then I told Doug point-by-point what I did that day. - I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee - I went for a five mile jog to clear my head - I took a five minute shower - I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet - I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up - I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in the fifth row - I entered through the fifth admissions gate - I bought five programs - I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race - I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there were five people sitting on either side of me. I settled in and waited for the race to start "Well," said Doug. "Did the horse win?" I smiled at Doug and said, "Of course not, he came in fifth." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent.." Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving mother." "I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones. "You just take her with you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~