Q: What is the definition of Confidence? A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and youslap her on the ass and say, "You're next!" Q: How does every ethnic joke start? A:By looking over your shoulder. Q. How do you know when you are getting old? A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts. Q. What's the definition of "trust"? A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob. Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count A: Your date has to chew before she swallows Q: What is the speed limit for sex? A: 68 - because if you go 69 you turn over Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water? A: "It might take me a while to get hard I just got laid last night Q: What is the politically correct name for Lesbian A: "Vagitarian" Q: What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog? A: When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you. Q: What do Kodak and condoms have in common? A: They both capture the moment Q: What's got 90 balls and makes women sweat? A: Bingo. Q. What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs? A. Nice tits! Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled "coping with darkness" Q: What have women and condoms got in common? A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet. Q: What's the difference between PMT and BSE? A: One is a mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem. Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: What does Joan Collins put behind her ears to attract men? A: Her feet. Q: What's the difference between light and hard? A: You can get to sleep with a light on. Q: How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, it's probably screwed in too tight anyway. Q: What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair? A: The front row at a Boyzone concert. Q: What's got four legs and an arm? A: A rottweiler. Woman: "I've got acute angina". Man: "Your tits aren't bad either". Q: What have a fat woman and a moped got in common? A: They're both OK for a ride until your mates find out. Q: What do you do if your boiler explodes? A: Buy her some flowers. Q: What is the definition of confusion? A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market. Q: What is the definition of disgusting? A: Siamese twins joined by the mouth, and one throws up A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet, which is getting ready to takeoff. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude, and if you do it again, I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane. He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare and embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze." The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?" "Pepper," he says Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself. He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me". His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty pound note in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty quid for the dry cleaning bill". So they stay for another couple of hours and get even more drunk. Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc etc. Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me he'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his drink. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty quid for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket." She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty quid." He says "Ah, yes. He shat in my trousers too". FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend....Wife knows fucking everything. An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees. This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. The girl is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I," she says. "What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris," he says. "That's amazing," she says, "so am I - what street?" "Cameo Street," he says. "This is unbelievable," she says, "what number?" He says "Number 20" and she is astonished. "You are not going to believe this," she says, "I'm from number 22 - my parents still live there!" "I know," he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give you." Irish Disaster -9/27/99 Irelands worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Ireland. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? Phone her.